The trick is though, that competition and achievement go hand-in-hand. Placings and scorings in competition are a way of scaling achievement. So my desire to achieve becomes a desire to place/score well. I still don't want to win just to win, but I want to do well enough to win.
Then there is also the drive to "build my resume". Part of this is caused by my achiever nature. Part of is from the inundation of resume building focus in high school and college. There is an extra factor influencing this drive in my horsemanship as well. My friends have some strong opinions on who can call themselves a "horse trainer". I had thought of myself as a trainer because I had the ability and experience, even if I didn't train professionally (I found out that horses as a job took away some of the fun). I even got a hoodie off of Facebook because I loved the wording on the back and didn't think twice about the words "horse trainer" on the front. But I stopped wearing it once I heard what others believed qualified someone to the title "trainer". Any one just getting started in the horse business would be scrutinized for their show record and the show records of their students. If they didn't have a resume of the successful fruits of their training, they weren't a "trainer". So I stopped wearing the hoodie. I wasn't a competitor. I wasn't a "trainer".
This was part of my desire to start competing again. I also missed the recognition of achieving. I liked walking away with a memento of the achievement of a job well done.
Once I had enough competitions under my belt I decided it was time to document the record. So I made a page here called "achievement record". I originally called it a "competition record". It wasn't fitting to call it a "show record" as that didn't seem the best way to include competitive trail rides. However, the competitiveness seemed to be getting to me, so I needed to rename it to reflect what I really want out of competition: tracking my achievements. This also allows me to include non-competitive achievements such as passing the Harmony Horsemanship Student Levels. I've enjoyed tracking what we have accomplished, but I've struggled with not getting too obsessed.
When I started competing in 2018 it was just to get Zeke experience. I wasn't concerned about winning at all. I wasn't necessarily concerned about doing well. This was about gaining experience safely.
In 2019 I was focused on achieving my goals and competing against myself. I was shooting for particular score-based goals and for simply surviving while gaining experience. During the competition season I was pleasantly surprised with how we placed in competition as well.
Now 2020 felt different. I started competing in Virtual Obstacle Shows. It was new to me, and I didn't know what to expect. I had new rules to learn. My second top fear archetype is rule follower. Making sure I follow the rules causes me a lot of (mostly undue) anxiety. I try to learn the rules and ensure I follow them to a t. I also would get frustrated when we didn't do as well as I thought we could. It was stressful, and both Alex and the judge reminded me to breathe. I was thrilled with how well we did in something new!
Then we started placing better. More virtual competition options were opening up that I stood a chance at. I wanted to start winning. Videos started being more about getting perfect and less about building our partnership. I knew that was when things weren't going the right way. I couldn't let the competition or the final placings be my desired outcome. I had to look at the true why behind why I was entering these virtual competitions.
After a lot of thought I came to peace with what I wanted out of the competitions we participate in. The main points takeaways I want from competitions are:
- To have purpose and goals in my horsemanship
- The ability to track our progress and improvements
- Structured ways to do new and challenging things together
- To grow in our partnership
- To become more calm and composed in nerve-inducing situations
- Receiving educated feedback to help us improve
I never thought I would need to control my competitive side (even if it is rooted in achievement and perfectionism). I've never really striven for goals of placing high. Most of my goals are about improvements or certain concrete milestones. I need to make sure that I focus on competing only against myself. I also need to understand that Zeke doesn't care about competing, and that I have to always act in a way that improves our partnership.
I'll keep competing, making videos, and sharing the judge's feedback, but I'm going to ensure our partnership always increases and I don't get caught up in competitiveness.